Eight Everyday Exercises in Empathy

It’s been two weeks since I posted “The Power of Empathy,” and the topic of empathy seems to have overtaken the national conversation on the news, social media and amongst the population in general. I have seen articles about “the empathy gap” in politics, heard reporters yell at Sarah Huckabee Sanders for lacking empathy, and in general, the word has gotten a lot of attention lately because of this despicable and rash government policy that separated families at the southern U.S. border. As I wrote two weeks ago, this topic is receiving criticism on both sides because it is easy to identify with— everyone can remember what it felt like to be a child, and many know how it feels to be a parent, which makes identifying with the immigrants’ pain much easier. But as I also expressed, empathy is harder in situations that are not as obviously relatable. Issues such as religious persecution, homophobia, racism, biased policing, hunger, sexism, gun violence, ableism or any other issue affecting socially marginalized groups, are harder to identify with and easier to dismiss on behalf of one’s own needs and other ideas of self-preservation. But hidden within all of these issues, there are also people (and children) suffering…suffering differently, but just as much as the children suffering at the border who are receiving widespread empathy right now.

I wrote the last post to express my belief that empathy is a skill that can be honed. I offered an example of organized learning in a camp setting. But I didn’t get into as much detail about how to hone that skill on a daily basis. Since this topic is getting so much attention lately, I have spent some time coming up with a list of some of my daily practices in empathy that have helped me, and I think would benefit many people in this country, especially those who may be struggling to understand the suffering and plights of others. This list is by no means comprehensive. It’s just a start. I encourage you all to share your own practices in empathy in the comments. The conversation is just as important as the action. Without further ado, I present:

1. When a plane flies over you, don’t think, “oh hey, there’s a plane.” Instead try to think, “300 people just flew over my head.” It sounds silly at first, but an average of 87,000 commercial fights cross the United States every day, with anywhere from 150 to 550 passengers. That’s a lot of people whose existence we forget about in favor of the object they are sitting in! If you have time, try to imagine where they are going, maybe where they are coming from. Any layovers? What might they be thinking? Are their head phones in as they sleep? Are they on the way to a funeral? Coming home from a wedding? Perhaps someone is also looking out the window from 30,000 feet wondering about you too.

   

   Flying above thousands of humans

2. When someone cuts you off in traffic, fight the impulse to curse them out or yell. Instead, try to imagine where they might be rushing to. And the times when you have been similarly in a rush. I am by no means perfect at this practice, but I do try to take a deep breath and fight my urge to yell from time to time. Picturing the other driver rushing to work so they don’t lose their job, so they can feed their family helps me feel a little better about the situation, whether or not it’s true.

   

   Not the driver you might expect.

3. When you listen to the lyrics of a song, imagine them playing out in someone else’s life, not your own. As an added challenge picture the people in a love song as two men or two women. Picture them as a different race or religion from your own. Or maybe they speak a different language and live in a different country. Love is universal. It’s important to make the effort to envision the love between others, even when it’s easier to envision our own life experiences instead.

   

   Making music. (Photo by Sherbet Saravarsi)

4. Say hello and wave to strangers as you walk by…and do it genuinely, with eye contact if you can manage it. A small “good morning” or “hello” feels way better than awkwardly trying to avoid eye contact with another human being.

   

   The village market.

5. Have conversations with more people. Talk to the barista or the deli employee. The bank teller or the doorman. Ask them how their day is going. Comment on the weather, world cup or something else that is relevant in the moment. If you have just five minutes to spare, that leaves time for a more meaningful conversation that will lead to greater interpersonal understanding. Make an added effort to talk to people who look different than you. Ask deeper questions if you have time. What might it add to your day to ask the cashier at the gas station, “Do you identify with any religion?” with the intention of learning more about that person’s beliefs and practices.

   

   Conversations about life between strangers.

6. Learn easy words or phrases in other languages. “Thank you” is a good place to start. My dad has always said “thank you” in various languages (Urdu, Spanish, Korean, Chinese, Hindi, French, you name it), usually in restaurants, to people whose native languages are not English. This effort is invariably met with gratitude and a smile. It’s a practice I’ve tried to adopt myself, especially as I travel the world and meet people who speak different languages. It also makes for good conversation to ask someone to teach you words in their native language. Even more fun is asking them to teach you a tongue twister!

   

   Friendship has no language.

7. When on a walk in the woods, try to find and understand the animals and plants around you. Recognize their life and try to imagine what they may be doing. What they are eating? Where they live? Do they have babies? Try to appreciate the animals, rather than simply tolerating their existence.

   

   A walk through nature on a beautiful day.

8. Take time to look at the sky. The stars, the moon, the clouds. Whatever it is that you see, take a moment to appreciate its existence, and your small place in space and time.

   

   Sky gazing.

 

It’s hard to talk about empathy for others without also touching on self-care. I have found myself overwhelmed by feelings of helplessness lately, as I watch the news and feel as if there is nothing I can do to help the people whose pain I find myself empathizing with. Being empathetic is not easy. It can sometimes take the life out of you, and it’s important to take care of yourself as you seek to take care of others. So, I’ve also compiled a bonus list of some habits of self care that can help to balance all the empathy! Many of these practices I learned from some amazing people who helped me after I was not doing a very good job of taking care of myself. For the sake of continuity, I’ll stick to an alliterative title for the list. 🙂

Six Strategies for Self-Care

1. When you walk through a new door or passageway, try to visualize it as an opening to a fresh experience. With every new open door comes new opportunity, and sometimes it is important to leave the baggage outside. Not to forget it, but to simply save it for later. Each experience we have in life is unique from the others and fresh eyes and minds help us to find the positive in each experience.
2. When you wake each morning, take a moment to express gratitude for having awakened, which is, in and of itself, a miracle. Someone once told me to match my morning stretch (you know, the one we all do when first opening our eyes to the new day), with deep breathing and by repeating the phrase “I am grateful for all the help I will receive today. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I particularly like this mantra because it focuses on the future, and has an underlying expectation of good.

   

   One of my favorite things: waking up in nature.

3. Try to take a moment to notice your health on a regular day. I find that I often take my health for granted until I am faced with a nasty cold or other sickness. The week after I get back to normal again, I find that I have so much gratitude for my health, but that appreciation tends to fade away until the next sickness. Trying to bring that gratitude to every healthy day provides a nice daily “win” that is sure to uplift me.

   

   A healthy morning.

4. Showers. Boy can showers be cathartic when used in the right moment. I have tried crying in a shower, and usually it doesn’t last very long. I could be crying non-stop in my bed for an hour, but when I decide to get up and take a shower, I feel refreshed, purified and newly calm. Hand-washing also provides a more regular opportunity for washing away any negativity.

   

   A shower of sorts.

5. Food and water. Similarly to showers, food cannot be neglected. From a simple medical standpoint, eating and drinking water are incredibly important for maintaining a balance within yourself. If your blood sugar is too low, or you are dehydrated, your brain does not function as well. This can cause you to revert to the more “primitive” part of your brain that is more emotional and instinctual. Just a little bit of food and water can make that critical and rational thinking work much better. The healthier and fresher the meal, the better you will feel. And, if you can manage a shared meal with friends and/or family, that’s the best of all!

   

   What’s better than ice cream? Oh, that’s right! Gelato in Italy with friends.

6. Recognize when you need help. Self-awareness is hugely important. I often find myself wanting to fix everything on my own, or taking on too many burdens or projects because I want to help everyone and everything all at once. This can lead to burn-out, anxiety, depression and even physical injury. So it is important to know when you need to take a break or need outside help. Maybe that means talking to a loved one. Maybe it means talking to a therapist. Going on a vacation. Treating yourself to something special. For me, it also means getting a monthly massage to help with my paramedic work-related back pain. Without supporting yourself, it becomes much harder to help others.

   

   A loving, helping hand.

 

These lists are just the beginning. Life is complicated. The world is filled with both life and death, both celebration and suffering. I think the key to balancing it all is harboring the energy from the good when it is there. The more we recognize and celebrate the small victories (for instance, just waking up) the more positive energy we will have stored within us for when the negative stuff starts to take over. The more we see our own privileges (no matter how small) and express gratitude for those, the more empathy we will be able to give to others who are in a different or worse situation than our own. Empathy is not easy, but it is incredibly important. It is a skill that requires practice, attention and care. I think if more people used these daily practices in empathy and self-care, we would live in a more harmonious society. Please feel free to share your own practices below.